Still Bleeding available online in a couple days!

I wrote Still Bleeding to keep me sane.

I had just come from a two year rise in publicity and sales of my Recovery cd --with a side of divorce and domestic violence woven throughout that whole experience.  I was very very fragile and started quitting things left and right. I felt desperate to get "clean" or rid myself of some poison that had somehow invaded my body, spirit and mind.  The feeling was unspeakable so I won't try and put it into words. I was losing my own humanity and started clinging to "life" wherever I could find it.  This will sound crazy, but I also slept at night with Bible's surrounding me.  I wrote verse cards out and slept on top of them.  I imagined I would marinate in the word of God while I slept---to counteract whatever was coming at me during the daytime.  I believed (and still do with it now behind me) I was in some form of spiritual warfare that was only visible to me and a couple of my best friends.

I spent my days and nights trying to understand what was wrong.  I figured my involvement with the music industry at that time had been the culprit and it "got me"---like once you get to a certain level you do, in fact, sell your soul to the devil--and maybe I had arrived at that storefront--and my bill was due.  I had to choose now?? It all felt so cliche but YouTube assured me.  I googled "pop artsits" "girls" "selling your soul" "illuminati", etc.  I called my bff in Cali and told her what I thought was going on---I sent her all my links and she agreed with me that there was just something about the music industry that can really enslave a girl.  So I decided to quit that too.  Not like a martyr quits though--I wasn't doing it to get anyone to come after me.  I quit because it was some crazy mother you know what and that's that.

The small bits that were salvageable in that whole music mess was getting to do a couple music tracks with Jessie Funk and Craig Poole. ( I'll re-link to Sick Like That but Still Bleeding will be available in the next couple days too.) Jessie was the only human I knew who was strong enough to sing the music I wanted to write so we partnered up for a lovely time!
(this link should be live so keep checking back)

Sick Like That (reprise) (may have to copy and paste--i'm ancient)
https://jessieandrachelle.bandcamp.com/track/sick-like-that


Here is a preview of the lyrics on Still Bleeding.  This song speaks to everyone who has been marginalized, ignored, bullied or left behind.  It's about having the right to define your own experience without someone else's agenda involved.  It's about not settling and protecting what's yours:))  God Bless!

V1
Falsely accused, hurt and mistreated
For who I was, I have been hated
And that cut went so deep
Its hard to believe
That I'm still standing on my own two feet

To prove myself, I kept my mouth going
Honestly hoping, the pain would stop growing
Cause I didn't know
All I was trying to do
Was get some justice from you

Now I'm done, craving and waiting

Chorus
I don't need that anymore
I know I am right
Judged by a jury
And always on trial
Kept me looking around
To find some kind of reason
Or make it okay that I was in this prison
But I'm bringin it down
Whats mine is mine it was never yours
And I compromised,  I played like a martyr
But that is no longer in season
When your still bleeding

V2
Like a good girl, I cleaned up your mess
I carried your debt, I struggled for breath
While you watched in silence
hoping I'd fall
To keep me from talking about  what I saw

And it kept me confused but I'm not anymore
You made up the truth, behind steeple doors
And now your story is crumbling down

And  I'm done craving and waiting

Chorus

Bridge
I figured it out
this puzzle that had me
lost in my mind
no more excuses
don't waste my time
Cause I'm movin on with my life

Oh yeah
Chorus!!@


Lyrics by Rachelle Call---additional by Jeannine Lasky

To thine own self be true~~

My sweet Morgen--almost 16!!

My oldest daughter has already been through this with me--I guess I get triggered when teen dating relationships are being formed!! My Whitney said this in therapy a couple years ago and honestly, it was completely awesome. I was proud and amazed at her insight:))

Whitney: "I just felt like there was a time when I knew I couldn't trust my mom's judgement. It happened one day when I came home from school upset about a "list" that was going around about the top 10 hot girls in our school--my mom told me to make my own list (I was going to help her) of the top 10 hottest guys and get all the girls to sign it the next day--and she was serious." (I was serious, btw. I also told her to tell the boys to screw off--I actually begged her to do it. I think it was my pleading that made her question me.:// ). I said to Whit and therapist--"see--I raised very aware children:)!"

ANYWAY--back at square one with daughter #2 now.

M is almost 16 so she's getting her dating skills up. This has been the conversation in our house this past week as some of her friends want her to ask a guy to a dance. This should be a simple friend operation unless your mom is ME because an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of CURE!
M's friends: "you have to ask so and so"!!
M: "really? okay"
mom: STOP!!
M: "mom--you're so crazy--its no big deal"
mom: "it is a big deal because you have no idea what your odds of success are--you have no data about whether this person would say yes because you have no idea about his values or his bias's. soo--get all your girlfriends to do some undercover--fish around and return with some solid info before you do anything--or else you're grounded--so yes, i'm crazy".
M: (days later) "k--this is what we've found out---blah blah blah"
mom: "i don't like it. we need more data."
(M gets her bestie on the phone where we all break it down together)
bestie: (repeats to me same info--"this guy thinks it would be cool--he thinks M is cool"
mom: "awesome--but here's what we need to know" #1--what does this guy think about girls who dance? what about girls who wear dance gear all week? what about girls who wear shorts above their knee? what about girls who live in a divorced household? what about girls who wear bare midriff dance outfits on stage to pop/club music? what about that bestie? Because, bestie--tell me you know there are guys out there who judge girls negatively like that--right?? (bestie--who is epic and genius says--yes that's totally true.)
--mom continues--" sooooooo---is he that guy bestie? bestie---you know this guy---so is he that guy who would harbor that judgement towards M???"
bestie: "no--he's not that guy."
Mom: "awesome--there you go--go for it M".

The whole point!: Don't wast your time. Collect information and make an informed decision based on YOUR STANDARDS that happen to include whether or not this person fits into your lifestyle. If you know a dating prospect may judge that lifestyle, he has restricted and limited access to you and your life--this means you are choosing, not simply waiting around to be chosen! Also---I've learned that full make- up and heavy photo filtering adds clarity to the stressed out mother--I still pile it on for no reason at all:)  It's been a practice I use to counteract a tendency towards watering down and diluting myself.  

#everydaystagemakeup

#callmecrazy #dontcare #imnotsorry

Women's Recovery Unplugged! Spotlight on Kim Lowe, RN, School Nurse, Public Health Nurse

I have met some of the most amazing women over the past couple months who are very very passionate about improving our community's efforts in addressing child sexual abuse, domestic violence and sooooo many other problems that go unseen and unnoticed.  Kim Lowe will be speaking to us tomorrow evening during the Chainbreakers event in Orem.  She has been an Alpine School district nurse for the past 17 years and has witnessed some harsh realities that need to be talked about so we can change!  Come join us at 65 North 1330 West in Orem!

BIO FOR KIM LOWE, RN, SCHOOL NURSE, PUBLIC HEALTH NURSE

I am originally from Natchitoches, Louisiana. I moved to Utah when I was 14 years old. From the time that I was 4 years old, I knew that I wanted to be a nurse more than anything in the world! I loved to help people feel better from a very young age!

I graduated from nursing school at Brigham Young University. Over the last 40 years, I have worked in several areas of nursing: orthopedics, medical/surgical, outpatient surgery, diabetes education, and my latest and greatest: public health and school nursing for the last 17 years!

I have learned over the years that every area of nursing I have worked has given me the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of my patients and those that I serve.

However, for the last 17 years I have realized that public health nursing which has included school nursing, has given me the most significant opportunity to not only make a difference in the lives of children, but also their families.

One of the most important lessons I have learned as a public health nurse is that “although a child’s family dynamics may appear normal from the surface, it does not mean that all is well!” “Abuse” rears its ugly head in many different forms.

“Abuse” is not a respecter of socioeconomic status or choice of religion.

“Abuse” can and does happen to anyone! No one has a lifetime immunity to abuse.

As I have reflected upon my own life, I can admit that I came from an abusive home environment as a child. My grandparents and their home became my “safe harbor.”

During my adult years I have also at times endured different forms of abuse. Most recently, two of my adult daughters have come forward with abuse that happened to them many years ago. Some of my grandchildren have also been abused and the dynamics of our family will never again be the same as a result!

We all know that our laws need to change so that harsher punishments will be imposed upon the perpetrators. This change of law is a very slow but vitally important process!

I believe with all of my heart that one day our laws will change.

But the way they are going to change is for more survivors to come forward and report their abuse and tell their stories.

It takes courage to speak. It takes courage to be a survivor.

With many voices speaking together, with all of us standing together in strength, our message will be heard!!

This atrocious generational cycle of different forms of  abuse must stop!!!

Stand strong together and be “SILENT NO MORE!”

Women's Recovery Unplugged!! January 24--Come see an amazing performance at Chainbreakers--Tuesday -7:00 pm-8:30 pm

We're getting through January I think !!  My winter break was super eventful--I transferred to Pioneer High School for the Performing Arts --Special Education department (thrilled about it:))...I'm still "in college" working through the last of my Masters in SpEd, my three daughters continue to have demanding lives which is totally exhausting AND I'm trying to fit music in the cracks of all that.🙋♬♬💃 #yourmomgoestocollege  So life is good~~

To my great fortune, I've met some amazing new friends who will be joining me on January 24 at Chainbreakers in Orem.  Jenna Pinegar and Whitney Call will join me to sing--you will not want to miss that! We will  hear from Angela Brady who is a Chairman @ TimeToRescue as well as a Volunteer Operation Underground Railroad Event coordinator.  Angela partners with Kim Lowe (will speak) who has worked for the Alpine School District as a nurse for nearly over 25 years.  These ladies have made a dent in the Utah County community by successfully planning and executing a benefit for Sex Trafficking that attracted over 300 people to an Orem high school on a Thursday school night back in October.  This is remarkable and you'll want to hear all about it! :) Also--we'll have Heidi Mendez Harrison bring her acting group to provide monologues and insight into the recovery scene of Utah.  Heidi's non-profit, Act Risk No More, is a youth theater company that writes and performs their own works/productions. It will be such a great night!

THEN---STAY TUNED for another Utah County Women's Recovery Unplugged event--designed to bring multiple non-profits to the forefront of our Recovery efforts here in Utah County.  Kim, Angela and myself have met and discussed the unique terrain of accessing help for abuse victims of every kind in Utah county.  We've discussed the need to bring those who want to help through various organizations TOGETHER--because there is strength in numbers.  Isolating and diversifying the many clubs, non-profits and helpers can cause confusion and overwhelm for those seeking help---so we want to simplify that process as much as possible.  And we want to listen to Aerosmith please:)!  Okay--Aerosmith is out due to excessive nudity in the clip--:/
So here's MJ!!!  #epic

LOCATION Link!!
http://www.chainbreakerfoundation.com/upcoming-classes/


THANK YOU!! and STAY WARM:))))

Say Something~

I met Drew so many years ago it's getting scary!://  We were both music artists in our Utah based Christian market which was very novel at the time because of the Mormon twist.  That twist was the rift between "allowable" Christian music in a Mormon market AND allowable Mormonism in the Christian market.  All thrill seekers met on that line in the early years.  It was brain splitting and bold and terrifying and a bit dangerous.  We pushed some boundaries with other brave souls and honestly had some real progress professionally and personally.  I was with an LDS distribution label doing my Recovery project while Drew was doing his own thing in the Christian arena.  He "brought" Michael W. Smith here about 4 years ago--and invited me to open with him but I was in the middle of a complete breakdown, so boooo--it had to wait.

 I remember another invite by Drew to sing Christian/Recovery with him at a small park in Bountiful, Utah.  I was with my label at the time and told them about this event so they could sell cd's afterwards.  There were not a lot of people in attendance because it was Bountiful Utah and back then, Mormon's were not generally seen at Christian music gatherings (this has totally changed just 4 years later--epic transformation!).  I was a little nervous being seen there too.  What would people say?  She's left the church.  She's lost her testimony.  This is what happens when women leave their husbands.  Next thing you know, she'll become immodest and Lord knows where that leads, etc., etc.

Weeee--it was fun!

Anyway, the label sent a couple guys with all my cd gear and set up shop.  I sang a song from my cd on stage, felt nervous and awkward then walked over to my table to see if we sold anything.  They said no~ followed by "Rachelle, the small stuff isn't profitable.  We don't book you unless there is a large crowd." (My bigger crowds were pulling in 22%-ish of cd sales , which apparently was 15% higher than other artists who sell cd's at concerts--bragging rights for our Recovery team.  We loved hearing that because it was evidence of success--doing something that was striking a chord.)  I was sad I made them come out for 0 profit AND I wondered if they thought I was turning to the dark side. Stressful.

Then, right when I was getting ready to leave, one single girl approached our table.  She said, " I loved that song.  Is it on this cd?" I said, YES!---and in my head I added "but I'll give it to you for free!!" My label guy quickly took over and charged her 15$--which I thought was terrible.  **And that is why I ended up under the poverty line within three years--- had Tyler not been standing there, I would have given her the cd along with 3 more to give to her friends.  #reallybadbusinessinstincts   Needless to say, this experience taught me that I really liked small crowds because I could disappear for a bit.  No one in the park knew me that day---and I liked it.  I felt the fewer people I was around (who knew me), the more I could "sense" myself.

So I've always been grateful for Drew because he was one of the guys who gave me access to smaller Christian venues.  He'd invite me into worship practice sessions where I wandered around getting a feel for the layout and instruments. Drew showed me the Christian worship loops and was always teaching me something about the industry.  I soaked it all in, knowing it was important to pay attention.

We recently met for dinner and caught up with each other's lives because SO many things have changed since those days.  Drew has become an advocate for  LGBTQ individuals along with his Wounded Warriors project.  Drew's experience as a gay man in the Christian/LDS industries brought severe judgement and condemnation once he began to be more vocal about it.  I listened to these stories in horror.  Drew told me he had kind of put music on the shelf--except for this one thing he did last year during November, 2015.  If you don't know about it, the LDS church came out with policy that put certain restrictions on the LGBTQ population and it triggered suicides from gay members.  Many people, including myself, just watched and listened to the news---trying hard to comprehend what was happening.  I kept a distance but wished I had been more vocal.  When I heard Drew's song, it convicted me of being silent as well.  Say Something.  Me--of all people.  I KNOW what it's like to need help but be surrounded by silence and I call that out on DV all the time.  But I missed this one--and I feel badly because it's been going on in my own community.  Hearing Drew sing this gave me much needed insight into the anatomy of "that pain".  I've been shut out of a lot of things, but never reconciliation with God through baptism.  I can not comprehend how that would feel.  But this helps...and I'm grateful I can be a better friend to Drew, like he was to me many years back.  God bless those who suffer.  Please reach out to someone if your world is closing in--help is available!! Look at MANTHERAPY-- this is a great great great resource!

Man Therapy

http://utahsuicideprevention.org/


So listen to this great cover of Say Something, re-produced by Drew.  I respect his bold approach and passion for this issue.

'Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep you alive somedayGonna keep you alive someday
              One of my all time favorite Pink songs, The Great Escape,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDThgjgbmgQ

Recovery Concert on January 24--mark your calendars!

I'll be presenting a Recovery event on January 24 for Chainbreakers in Orem.  Join me, Jenna Pinnegar and some other singer friends to be announced for a night of music and stories about healing and recovery.

Also--please contact me through pm if you are interested in sponsoring some of our women needing financial support over the next couple months.  The path of recovery for a domestic abuse survivor is complicated! Our goal is to help them establish safety in an environment that is supportive and predictable.  The gas lighting effect of always worrying about your "luck running out" causes prolonged symptoms of PTSD and only lengthens the recovery process.  Worrying about where you're going to live next month on an already flooded brain (see link!) damages neuro-circuitry! 

"The ‘stress hormone’ cortisol is believed to create a domino effect that hard-wires pathways between the hippocampus and amygdala in a way that might create a vicious cycle by creating a brain that becomes predisposed to be in a constant state of fight-or-flight."
Chronic stress damages brain structure and connectivity!  

Alright then--watch for more info and have a safe and peaceful December 2016:))

THE TALENT!! These ladies are coming up right now--I'm honored to share the stage with them tonight!

Then there's the music.

Music, in my opinion, is its own universe--with its own vibration that can transport listeners to different realities within seconds or minutes or whatever it takes.  I have used music as a tool in my Recovery for my entire life without really knowing it.  When I wrote, sing (sang??)or listened to others sing (especially when it was my music), I got better.  I felt like I was somewhere else other than the life I was born into and possibly inadvertently assigned to through socialization, stereotypes and low expectations.  Music transcended all that for me--and then took me along for the ride with my children, family and good friends. 

So these women will be performing tonight and you won't want to miss it.  They are strong and powerful and they will bless your life. 

God Bless~~
Rachelle


Jenna Pinegar




Whitney Call


Nyrie Hadnot