My sweet Morgen--almost 16!!
My oldest daughter has already been through this with me--I guess I get triggered when teen dating relationships are being formed!! My Whitney said this in therapy a couple years ago and honestly, it was completely awesome. I was proud and amazed at her insight:))
Whitney: "I just felt like there was a time when I knew I couldn't trust my mom's judgement. It happened one day when I came home from school upset about a "list" that was going around about the top 10 hot girls in our school--my mom told me to make my own list (I was going to help her) of the top 10 hottest guys and get all the girls to sign it the next day--and she was serious." (I was serious, btw. I also told her to tell the boys to screw off--I actually begged her to do it. I think it was my pleading that made her question me.:// ). I said to Whit and therapist--"see--I raised very aware children:)!"
ANYWAY--back at square one with daughter #2 now.
M is almost 16 so she's getting her dating skills up. This has been the conversation in our house this past week as some of her friends want her to ask a guy to a dance. This should be a simple friend operation unless your mom is ME because an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of CURE!
M's friends: "you have to ask so and so"!!
M: "really? okay"
mom: STOP!!
M: "mom--you're so crazy--its no big deal"
mom: "it is a big deal because you have no idea what your odds of success are--you have no data about whether this person would say yes because you have no idea about his values or his bias's. soo--get all your girlfriends to do some undercover--fish around and return with some solid info before you do anything--or else you're grounded--so yes, i'm crazy".
M: (days later) "k--this is what we've found out---blah blah blah"
mom: "i don't like it. we need more data."
(M gets her bestie on the phone where we all break it down together)
bestie: (repeats to me same info--"this guy thinks it would be cool--he thinks M is cool"
mom: "awesome--but here's what we need to know" #1--what does this guy think about girls who dance? what about girls who wear dance gear all week? what about girls who wear shorts above their knee? what about girls who live in a divorced household? what about girls who wear bare midriff dance outfits on stage to pop/club music? what about that bestie? Because, bestie--tell me you know there are guys out there who judge girls negatively like that--right?? (bestie--who is epic and genius says--yes that's totally true.)
--mom continues--" sooooooo---is he that guy bestie? bestie---you know this guy---so is he that guy who would harbor that judgement towards M???"
bestie: "no--he's not that guy."
Mom: "awesome--there you go--go for it M".
M's friends: "you have to ask so and so"!!
M: "really? okay"
mom: STOP!!
M: "mom--you're so crazy--its no big deal"
mom: "it is a big deal because you have no idea what your odds of success are--you have no data about whether this person would say yes because you have no idea about his values or his bias's. soo--get all your girlfriends to do some undercover--fish around and return with some solid info before you do anything--or else you're grounded--so yes, i'm crazy".
M: (days later) "k--this is what we've found out---blah blah blah"
mom: "i don't like it. we need more data."
(M gets her bestie on the phone where we all break it down together)
bestie: (repeats to me same info--"this guy thinks it would be cool--he thinks M is cool"
mom: "awesome--but here's what we need to know" #1--what does this guy think about girls who dance? what about girls who wear dance gear all week? what about girls who wear shorts above their knee? what about girls who live in a divorced household? what about girls who wear bare midriff dance outfits on stage to pop/club music? what about that bestie? Because, bestie--tell me you know there are guys out there who judge girls negatively like that--right?? (bestie--who is epic and genius says--yes that's totally true.)
--mom continues--" sooooooo---is he that guy bestie? bestie---you know this guy---so is he that guy who would harbor that judgement towards M???"
bestie: "no--he's not that guy."
Mom: "awesome--there you go--go for it M".
The whole point!: Don't wast your time. Collect information and make an informed decision based on YOUR STANDARDS that happen to include whether or not this person fits into your lifestyle. If you know a dating prospect may judge that lifestyle, he has restricted and limited access to you and your life--this means you are choosing, not simply waiting around to be chosen! Also---I've learned that full make- up and heavy photo filtering adds clarity to the stressed out mother--I still pile it on for no reason at all:) It's been a practice I use to counteract a tendency towards watering down and diluting myself.
#everydaystagemakeup
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