I've recently read about the need for more honesty and transparency in parent/child/family relationships. My initial reaction was no way--but then how ironic when I can hardly stop sounding the domestic violence alarm all.the.time. I think over the years I've developed a nebulous balance that addresses the reality I (and my children) have experienced in domestic violence without really going into many horrifying details--like I'm saying it without really saying it, yes?
So truth be told, every time my daughter Whitney writes a song---I brace myself. Because she has a lot to say and is probably just getting started:/// Whitney is in the Musical Theater program at Utah Valley University on scholarship (and since grades have stayed up she's keeping it--super proud!!). She has recently been asked to go to St George for the summer Tuacahn productions as a PAID gig---BUT--she had already accepted a non paying gig that we fought about because I told her not to do anything for free during her summers off since she needed to work---she's a college student and college students work. I also told her not to waste her time writing songs when she can sing the way she does because its a blessing to have that voice AND I told her to try out for Disney princess auditions that came to SLC in March. She did zero of the things I just mentioned so this should give you a peek into our relationship. :) and I officially take back the disney princess audition thing--it was a desperate move to control her future.
As a songwriter myself, I know when I'm "writing" a song because it takes a while as opposed to the songs that are flashes of something already there. It can be thrilling. So when Whitney wrote this in January, she was at my house off and on. I listened and I didn't like it. Not because it wasn't good but because I did not want her singing about mental illness, suicide, death and addiction. It's okay if I write about that stuff but not her--no way. A friend of hers had recently committed suicide and she wrote it about him--Broadway style. Dramatic and complicated. But I encouraged her to not dwell there and actually not finish the song. I wanted to kidnap her and never let her finish it--such a weird reaction I know. But I just don't like death and I'm probably even legit neurotic at this point.
Sidenote: My kids know a couple things about me and one is that"death speak" is strictly forbidden. I believe that words have measurable powers of life or death in them and I want to err on the side of life affirmations when possible. My second daughter just got her drivers license and filled out the application as an organ donor. She is 16--barely! We had a complete argument with the clerk looking on because M insisted on informing me about her rights to contribute to the human race now that she is so old. I was like--no. No way. Un-check that box or I will not sign. I think it was a 5 minute stare down until M finally buckled under the pressure. Mainly, I am her guardian and I don't know what organ donation is about so we don't just go checking a BOX for that stuff! I'll do my duty and research but until then its a no. I'm sorry if that offends but I can veto as the mom.
Whitney, of course, finished the song. The school I began teaching at in January 2017 had a suicide within the first week of my employment (it was a former student--the one Whit wrote her song about-- but the school had seen 4-5 deaths within 9 months!!). Whitney knew a lot of the kids there and she wanted to help because depression was thick! We brought our mental health agency and the HOPE SQUAD as an "act immediately" intervention to avoid further contagen. It was bad. So I'm dealing with all of that and Whitney wants to come help out. She's a freshman in college but wanted to talk with the kids and make sure everyone was okay. I wanted her to stay away and let me handle it (see the back and forth patterns in my parenting??). I wanted her to break free and live out her life without all of "that stuff". But Whitney was so persistent. She said, "mom--these kids just need to know that it's going to get better. If they knew that they could hold on for a little bit longer." Whitney then told me about a technique she had learned all of those years having seizures. No one would know it but Whitney has epilepsy. Her seizures are manageable now with medication but there were times when they were not. After a while, as Whitney would go into a seizure, she would start to sing or distract herself. I insisted on panicking like I always do but Whitney would tell me to let her be and she would be okay. I didn't notice it was actually working to hold off her seizures but it was. Whitney told me that during those times, she would repeat to herself---"it will be over soon because they always end!" That's the one thing Whitney learned---seizures come and seizures go. There is a beginning and an end and it does get better--so don't take your life. Hold on.
The song is called For You. It's about a child parent relationship where the child wants to get better to ease his mom's worry--but he can't--but he tries. I love the words and if it can help someone going through such an ordeal--then God Bless you with extra hope and strength.
https://www.facebook.com/100009323840726/videos/1804506869870090/
For You
I am running down an empty hall
Running out of breath,
It feels like there may be a fire in my chest
So could you take a moment to hear me out,
I feel like I may be going down
Did I hit the ground
I see sirens but they don't make a sound
And are they here for me
If they are then I cannot see
How this is my fault
You said I'd bounce back again
But that was a lie cause I was never strapped in
Oh I let myself fall
But maybe that's a good thing
Now I can't say
All of the things that would hurt you
But if ever I'm gone
I need you to move on
but until then I'll never desert you
Oh I'll keep trying
For you
Oh I need rest I need sleep
I think my body's starting to hate me
Cause I can't close my eyes
But if you can sing me a lullaby
It may not work but we can always try
Oh I just need some sleep
Cause this is utter madness
I cannot find a bed
To lay down the demons inside of my head
Oh I just need some sleep
So give me medication
Give me anything
That will put my mind at rest
But if the pharmacy's closed
It's walls decomposed
Then I will try my best
For you
I'll never stop running
Never lay down my head
I'll never let the sirens declare me dead
If that's what you need me to do
Then I will stay For You
https://www.facebook.com/100009323840726/videos/1804506869870090/
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