Whitney, Broadway, Epilepsy and moving on...

I've recently read about the need for more honesty and transparency in parent/child/family relationships.  My initial reaction was no way--but then how ironic when I can hardly stop sounding the domestic violence alarm all.the.time.  I think over the years I've developed a nebulous balance that addresses the reality I (and my children) have experienced in domestic violence without really going into many horrifying details--like I'm saying it without really saying it, yes?

So truth be told, every time my daughter Whitney writes a song---I brace myself.   Because she has a lot to say and is probably just getting started:///  Whitney is in the Musical Theater program at Utah Valley University on scholarship (and since grades have stayed up she's keeping it--super proud!!).  She has recently been asked to go to St George for the summer Tuacahn productions as a PAID gig---BUT--she had already accepted a non paying gig that we fought about because I told her not to do anything for free during her summers off since she needed to work---she's a college student and college students work. I also told her not to waste her time writing songs when she can sing the way she does because its a blessing to have that voice AND I told her to try out for Disney princess auditions that came to SLC in March.  She did zero of the things I just mentioned so this should give you a peek into our relationship. :)  and I officially take back the disney princess  audition thing--it was a desperate move to control her future.

As a songwriter myself, I know when I'm "writing" a song because it takes a while as opposed to the songs that are flashes of something already there.  It can be thrilling.  So when Whitney wrote this in January, she was at my house off and on.  I listened and I didn't like it.  Not because it wasn't good but because I did not want her singing about mental illness, suicide, death and addiction.  It's okay if I write about that stuff but not her--no way.  A friend of hers had recently committed suicide and she wrote it about him--Broadway style.  Dramatic and complicated.  But I encouraged her to not dwell there and actually not finish the song.  I wanted to kidnap her and never let her finish it--such a weird reaction I know.  But I just don't like death and I'm probably even legit neurotic at this point.
Sidenote:  My kids know a couple things about me and one is that"death speak" is strictly forbidden.  I believe that words have measurable powers of life or death in them and I want to err on the side of life affirmations when possible.  My second daughter just got her drivers license and filled out the application as an organ donor.  She is 16--barely!  We had a complete argument with the clerk looking on because M insisted on informing me about her rights to contribute to the human race now that she is so old.  I was like--no.  No way. Un-check that box or I will not sign.  I think it was a 5 minute stare down until M finally buckled under the pressure.  Mainly, I am her guardian and I don't  know what organ donation is about so we don't just go checking a BOX for that stuff! I'll do my duty and research but until then its a no.  I'm sorry if that offends but I can veto as the mom. 

Whitney, of course, finished the song.  The school I began teaching at in January 2017 had a suicide within the first week of my employment (it was a former student--the one Whit wrote her song about-- but the school had seen 4-5 deaths within 9 months!!).  Whitney knew a lot of the kids there and she wanted to help because depression was thick! We brought our mental health agency and the HOPE SQUAD as an "act immediately" intervention to avoid further contagen.  It was bad. So I'm dealing with all of that and Whitney wants to come help out.  She's a freshman in college but wanted to talk with the kids and make sure everyone was okay.  I wanted her to stay away and let me handle it (see the back and forth patterns in my parenting??).  I wanted her to break free and live out her life without all of "that stuff".  But Whitney was so persistent.  She said, "mom--these kids just need to know that it's going to get better.  If they knew that they could hold on for a little bit longer."  Whitney then told me about a technique she had learned all of those years having seizures.  No one would know it but Whitney has epilepsy.  Her seizures are manageable now with medication but there were times when they were not.  After a while, as Whitney would go into a seizure, she would start to sing or distract herself.  I insisted on panicking like I always do but Whitney would tell me to let her be and she would be okay.  I didn't notice it was actually working to hold off her seizures but it was.  Whitney told me that during those times, she would repeat to herself---"it will be over soon because they always end!" That's the one thing Whitney learned---seizures come and seizures go.  There is a beginning and an end and it does get better--so don't take your life.  Hold on.

The song is called For You.  It's about a child parent relationship where the child wants to get better to ease his mom's worry--but he can't--but he tries.  I love the words and if it can help someone going through such an ordeal--then God Bless you with extra hope and strength.

https://www.facebook.com/100009323840726/videos/1804506869870090/



For You

I am running down an empty hall
Running out of breath, 
It feels like there may be a fire in my chest
So could you take a moment to hear me out, 
I feel like I may be going down

Did I hit the ground
I see sirens but they don't make a sound
And are they here for me
If they are then I cannot see
How this is my fault
You said I'd bounce back again
But that was a lie cause I was never strapped in
Oh I let myself fall

But maybe that's a good thing
Now I can't say
All of the things that would hurt you
But if ever I'm gone
I need you to move on
but until then I'll never desert you
Oh I'll keep trying
For you

Oh I need rest I need sleep
I think my body's starting to hate me
Cause I can't close my eyes
But if you can sing me a lullaby 
It may not work but we can always try
Oh I just need some sleep

Cause this is utter madness 
I cannot find a bed
To lay down the demons inside of my head
Oh I just need some sleep

So give me medication 
Give me anything
That will put my mind at rest
But if the pharmacy's closed
It's walls decomposed
Then I will try my best
For you

I'll never stop running
Never lay down my head
I'll never let the sirens declare me dead
If that's what you need me to do
Then I will stay For You



https://www.facebook.com/100009323840726/videos/1804506869870090/

Still Bleeding available online in a couple days!

I wrote Still Bleeding to keep me sane.

I had just come from a two year rise in publicity and sales of my Recovery cd --with a side of divorce and domestic violence woven throughout that whole experience.  I was very very fragile and started quitting things left and right. I felt desperate to get "clean" or rid myself of some poison that had somehow invaded my body, spirit and mind.  The feeling was unspeakable so I won't try and put it into words. I was losing my own humanity and started clinging to "life" wherever I could find it.  This will sound crazy, but I also slept at night with Bible's surrounding me.  I wrote verse cards out and slept on top of them.  I imagined I would marinate in the word of God while I slept---to counteract whatever was coming at me during the daytime.  I believed (and still do with it now behind me) I was in some form of spiritual warfare that was only visible to me and a couple of my best friends.

I spent my days and nights trying to understand what was wrong.  I figured my involvement with the music industry at that time had been the culprit and it "got me"---like once you get to a certain level you do, in fact, sell your soul to the devil--and maybe I had arrived at that storefront--and my bill was due.  I had to choose now?? It all felt so cliche but YouTube assured me.  I googled "pop artsits" "girls" "selling your soul" "illuminati", etc.  I called my bff in Cali and told her what I thought was going on---I sent her all my links and she agreed with me that there was just something about the music industry that can really enslave a girl.  So I decided to quit that too.  Not like a martyr quits though--I wasn't doing it to get anyone to come after me.  I quit because it was some crazy mother you know what and that's that.

The small bits that were salvageable in that whole music mess was getting to do a couple music tracks with Jessie Funk and Craig Poole. ( I'll re-link to Sick Like That but Still Bleeding will be available in the next couple days too.) Jessie was the only human I knew who was strong enough to sing the music I wanted to write so we partnered up for a lovely time!
(this link should be live so keep checking back)

Sick Like That (reprise) (may have to copy and paste--i'm ancient)
https://jessieandrachelle.bandcamp.com/track/sick-like-that


Here is a preview of the lyrics on Still Bleeding.  This song speaks to everyone who has been marginalized, ignored, bullied or left behind.  It's about having the right to define your own experience without someone else's agenda involved.  It's about not settling and protecting what's yours:))  God Bless!

V1
Falsely accused, hurt and mistreated
For who I was, I have been hated
And that cut went so deep
Its hard to believe
That I'm still standing on my own two feet

To prove myself, I kept my mouth going
Honestly hoping, the pain would stop growing
Cause I didn't know
All I was trying to do
Was get some justice from you

Now I'm done, craving and waiting

Chorus
I don't need that anymore
I know I am right
Judged by a jury
And always on trial
Kept me looking around
To find some kind of reason
Or make it okay that I was in this prison
But I'm bringin it down
Whats mine is mine it was never yours
And I compromised,  I played like a martyr
But that is no longer in season
When your still bleeding

V2
Like a good girl, I cleaned up your mess
I carried your debt, I struggled for breath
While you watched in silence
hoping I'd fall
To keep me from talking about  what I saw

And it kept me confused but I'm not anymore
You made up the truth, behind steeple doors
And now your story is crumbling down

And  I'm done craving and waiting

Chorus

Bridge
I figured it out
this puzzle that had me
lost in my mind
no more excuses
don't waste my time
Cause I'm movin on with my life

Oh yeah
Chorus!!@


Lyrics by Rachelle Call---additional by Jeannine Lasky

To thine own self be true~~

My sweet Morgen--almost 16!!

My oldest daughter has already been through this with me--I guess I get triggered when teen dating relationships are being formed!! My Whitney said this in therapy a couple years ago and honestly, it was completely awesome. I was proud and amazed at her insight:))

Whitney: "I just felt like there was a time when I knew I couldn't trust my mom's judgement. It happened one day when I came home from school upset about a "list" that was going around about the top 10 hot girls in our school--my mom told me to make my own list (I was going to help her) of the top 10 hottest guys and get all the girls to sign it the next day--and she was serious." (I was serious, btw. I also told her to tell the boys to screw off--I actually begged her to do it. I think it was my pleading that made her question me.:// ). I said to Whit and therapist--"see--I raised very aware children:)!"

ANYWAY--back at square one with daughter #2 now.

M is almost 16 so she's getting her dating skills up. This has been the conversation in our house this past week as some of her friends want her to ask a guy to a dance. This should be a simple friend operation unless your mom is ME because an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of CURE!
M's friends: "you have to ask so and so"!!
M: "really? okay"
mom: STOP!!
M: "mom--you're so crazy--its no big deal"
mom: "it is a big deal because you have no idea what your odds of success are--you have no data about whether this person would say yes because you have no idea about his values or his bias's. soo--get all your girlfriends to do some undercover--fish around and return with some solid info before you do anything--or else you're grounded--so yes, i'm crazy".
M: (days later) "k--this is what we've found out---blah blah blah"
mom: "i don't like it. we need more data."
(M gets her bestie on the phone where we all break it down together)
bestie: (repeats to me same info--"this guy thinks it would be cool--he thinks M is cool"
mom: "awesome--but here's what we need to know" #1--what does this guy think about girls who dance? what about girls who wear dance gear all week? what about girls who wear shorts above their knee? what about girls who live in a divorced household? what about girls who wear bare midriff dance outfits on stage to pop/club music? what about that bestie? Because, bestie--tell me you know there are guys out there who judge girls negatively like that--right?? (bestie--who is epic and genius says--yes that's totally true.)
--mom continues--" sooooooo---is he that guy bestie? bestie---you know this guy---so is he that guy who would harbor that judgement towards M???"
bestie: "no--he's not that guy."
Mom: "awesome--there you go--go for it M".

The whole point!: Don't wast your time. Collect information and make an informed decision based on YOUR STANDARDS that happen to include whether or not this person fits into your lifestyle. If you know a dating prospect may judge that lifestyle, he has restricted and limited access to you and your life--this means you are choosing, not simply waiting around to be chosen! Also---I've learned that full make- up and heavy photo filtering adds clarity to the stressed out mother--I still pile it on for no reason at all:)  It's been a practice I use to counteract a tendency towards watering down and diluting myself.  

#everydaystagemakeup

#callmecrazy #dontcare #imnotsorry