I met with my girlfriends Tera and Jenna over the weekend to outline some thoughts and ideas for our STAND event on November 5th. All three of us are survivors of domestic violence so when we get together our conversation is smooth and seemless--if you don't count my interrupting problem (or my swearing problem):// We all "get it" and can bypass so many filler conversations designed to avoid saying what needs to be said.
So I want to give you a small window into our world--what is motivating the STAND event, why we think it is needed here in Utah County and how we can educate our communities better on Domestic Violence. The punch in the face-style DV image is really a disservice to the depth and pathology of domestic violence. It speaks to the "if you can prove it with some hard evidence, then we will help you" crowd--and that is not the crowd I have energy for. I literally am exhausted when I imagine that crowd--and me talking to them. Like--I'm so tired right now just thinking about it. soooooooo tired.
Here is a brief summary of our meeting and some of our specific challenges and concerns in addressing Domestic Violence in our family friendly communities. Come to our event so we can finish this conversation--bring your ideas too!!
1. Families can be a sacred topic in Utah. It's true. I'm not Utah bashing here. I'm saying that the state of Utah is a family friendly state and that is wonderful for many many people, religious or non-religious. But there is a flip side. There can be pressure to present together forever family systems as an extension of how well we live the gospel. I was trapped by this for so long. I did not want to be ostracized by the more perfect families in my ward or neighborhood--so I tried to keep up. Behind closed doors, I was exhausted because I couldn't be honest. The inability to stand in truth regarding my "real life" was weakening my immune system--literally. Getting real about my family situation was the first step because if you can not be honest about your most intimate relationships--what's the point? Tell the right story about the people you live with. That's a hard step to take but there is no other way to get through DV without a radical acceptance of reality at all costs--that means accepting the truth about all individuals occupying your property--including telling the truth about yourself. Its a must.
2. Domestic Violence is about power, control, isolation, hatred and dominance--to name a few. DV is not about hitting, although hitting is an effective tool for some abusers who use it to keep the victims oppressed. Domestic Violence is more like unregulated aggression. Aggression that is unregulated goes "unchecked" and is unsupervised. The aggressor is shameless in getting what he/she wants and creates their own personal cocktail of methods to achieve power and control within intimate relationships (close relationships, family, girlfriend boyfriend, marriage, parent-child, etc.). The methods include hitting, isolating, withholding finances, stalking, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault, verbal abuse, spiritual abuse, clergy abuse, witchcraft, seduction, mind-control tactics (embedded commands), infantilization (treating victim as a child, talking down to victim) and so many more. Also--effects of addiction in a home can cause DV or DV can create an environment where addiction takes root and thrives. This list should give you an idea though---about how its not about hitting.
3. We discussed the absolute MAZE of getting help if you are a victim of Domestic Violence. Let me say that being in a home where there is a DV dynamic will eat up your brain cells like crack. This is not a lie. The stress of finding help on 1/4 of your normal brain output is extremely difficult to do. Your brain is literally starving for oxygen in the form of information, knowledge, assistance and most of all SAFETY. A DV home will not have information just "lying around" that opposes itself. So chances are, you will need to reach out or bring information into your space independently. This is part of the maze though. The delicate DV home environment can sense the slightest of changes. The DV home is on high alert for outsiders or outside info--so victims tiptoe their recovery material around and sometimes just hide any evidence of an effort to get help.
Now contrast this with any other disease diagnosis. Let's say cancer. If someone has cancer, their recovery and routine is out in the open. There is discussion, options, concern, meals, family care, child care-- you name it. Cancer is a disease that has a strong mainstream dialogue. Everyone knows a lot about it--treatment options--hospitals are on board, doctors are on high alert--it's out there. We know that chemotherapy is designed to target cancer cells--the counter attack is strong if it is caught quickly.
Domestic Violence is like a cancer--but it is a secret and it is invisible. Like cancer, DV spreads and can run through families in the form of unregulated aggression---passive or outward. Some people come from families where domestic violence is baked into the cells and passed on through generations that socialize aggressive or passive aggressive behavior onto their children. In essence, families with generational DV model DV to each other--its like the DV funhouse. You know at the carnivals--where you walk into the crazy mirrors/crazy moving floor fun houses? That's DV. Relationships are distorted and distortion is normalized.
4. So we need chemo for DV. We need the remedy and it needs to hit our mainstream conversations in the same way any other life threatening disease would be represented if it was a public safety risk.
What is the chemo for DV victims? A couple thoughts:
A--Establish safety with safe friend or family member
B--Establish safety through distance from abuser
C--Establish safety through reaching out to local shelter
D--Establish safety through telling someone the truth about what is really going on.
After you've done steps 1-4, you might have some room to breath. It might take a while. But once you are ready, there are more steps toward a cure:
E--Exposure of family narrative and family dynamics. Silence breeds domestic violence. You have the right to your own narrative about what has happened in your life and you have the right to the space it takes to define that narrative. DV families are up in each others business to control outcomes. Narratives that are independent from the agreed upon family storyline are not acceptable. In DV relationships, there is a lot of exploitation. There is money grabbing and hate bombing and gaslighting and stealing and destroying and jealousy and weaponry. It's a mess--but in that mess, YOU have the right to your own story about what happened or what is happening.
F--DV aggressives are shameless. Know this: Domestic Violence is shameless--not shame based. There is a difference. If you've been to a lot of therapy, you will be thinking in terms of "shame". Like--oh I have a lot of shame so that causes me to dumb down or whatever. DV talks a different language and that is through shameless behavior and tactics designed to control. Shameless is --I could care less. I have no respect or value for your life or any one elses so I take what I want, I do what I want, I don't care, I'm not embarrassed---I'm shameless. In DV, it's important to get your language right. DV does not operate under the same rules as your normal dysfunctional family or relationship. DV is aggressive. It wants, it needs, it will have. DV is power over--conquer the enemy. Rigid and unbending. Harsh.
Know the language and know that DV does not play by the same rules as your generally dysfunctional neighbor or the cute and quirky couple in church. Its darker than that, unfortunately. We will talk a lot more about this on November 5!
G--Like cancer, DV needs to be thought of in terms of stages. Where did it start and how has it spread? DV is continuum based in that not every victim has the same story--not even close. One victim may come from systemic DV and another may have had a couple isolated incidents with relationships--but without the deep family ties that bind. The prognosis in both of these situations will be different. Would you tell a DV victim with a strong history of DV in his/her family to go to that same family for support? Yet a lot of people do--especially clergy members. There is a tendency for bishops and other leaders to counsel "go to your families for assistance first, then we can help, etc.". For one victim, family could increase safety. But for another, it would mean higher risk.
H--Okay--last one!! Knowledge is your power--your ability to LEARN will save your life. I say this because I look back and wonder how I kept looping back around to my predictable life when I was always reading so much and getting so much therapy?!! I was reading and getting help, but I was not LEARNING from mistakes and quickly detouring out of bad situations. My bf in California, Cee Cee, was always aware of this about me--and I didn't change for about 20 years. True story: We were freshman in college and flying out of LAX back to Utah. A stranger danger man came up to me and told me a very sad story--then asked for money. I probably gave him 40$ or something---I remember Cee being legit upset about it. She was like-- are you serious right now?? And I'm like--" Of course I'm serious--that was so sad--he needed the money:(((((( (he was lying, btw--but I could not see that)
Anyway--I've finally learned some things. I"m not looping around so much anymore--thats grace from God!
All right then--if you read through this, you're awesome and hopefully a bit more informed:) We want to see you in November! If you want to share a story or a song--please personally FB me!
God Bless,
Rachelle
Weeee--it was fun!
